Anxiety and Grace
Most of my life I have had serious anxiety that is most active at night. It seems to have gotten worse over the years, to the point of me feeling almost helpless, as if some other entity is in charge, causing panic-like fear. That is after all what anxiety is, a great fear of things turning out badly.
So many women I know seem to harbor this fear of becoming homeless. That is an example of a serious anxiety. Then there is fear of never having a good relationship, enough money, living a more fulfilling life……on and on. If you haven’t experienced the positive side of these things, then it is difficult to believe you can have them, that life can be better. There is nothing in your history to compare to, nothing to connect to in order to create the feelings of having that good thing.
That is how the anxiety grows and becomes larger than you. Many of us can suppress it or mask it during the day with activity and logic. It’s at night, when it is quiet and logic has left the room, that it grows into a massive monster that torments you for hours.
Taking sleeping pills or general anxiety medication didn’t appeal to me, so I turned to working on my thoughts. I noticed that I didn’t want to think about it too much during the day…..because it is so painful…..so I was left to address it at night when it felt overwhelming. What a monumental task! Kind of like climbing a rock-wall that is leaning forward, it seemed impossible.
I do pray. I know prayer, meditation, visualization and faith work! I prayed for relief, for help with positive thoughts, I demanded to be heard, I cried to be shown love, to accept feeling loved….the kind of love that makes you gentle, understanding and peaceful. I stated that I no longer wanted to accept this horror show, that I expected to be acknowledged and guided. I visualized good, loving outcomes…….
……until one night, it worked!! An other-worldly peace descended upon me, literally! The monster had left. A deep knowing, a trust had taken it’s place. The energy in the room became gentle and good; my heart was filled with love. It was nothing less than GRACE.
